Angry In-Bred Buffalo

I have a sneaky suspicion that New York is trying to break-up me and my boyfriend. Don’t believe me? Well you're wrong. These are facts that will prove I'm right:

1) Anytime we talk on the phone, EVER, there seems to be a sports rally of semi trucks on the street all deciding to have a black market style race off. I am just as surprised as you that there would be so many semi trucks about but there are and they are determined to ram their engines just when I tell him “you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you.” And he automatically assumes I have said “We’re breaking up, I kinda hate you.” Which is close...but not really the point I was trying to make.

2) And then when I can finally hear him and I want to tell him all about my day I get to the subway. Now I don’t know if you know this, but subways are under ground. Which is highly inconvenient for my love life. As I am talking to him about how wonderful my day is and about this guy in the office that made me laugh so hard I almost threw up, I all of sudden have to get off the phone because guess what? There’s no damn Wi-Fi three stories underground which I call bullshit on by the way. We have it in airplanes now. Airplanes. Things flying through the air have wireless internet. I think someone somewhere could get on the whole not being able talk on the subway deal. Or at least, get on the ‘move the subways above ground’ project I proposed the second day I got here. Anyway, so my quick departure from the phone allows the little thoughts to build up in my boyfriends head such as

“that guy does sound funny”

“I wonder why they were talking in the kitchen for so long?”

“what was he doing? Trying to make her laugh?”

“that’s my job!”

“Is he trying to replace me?”                                           

“he’s trying to replace me!”

“And she’s letting him!”

“this is all her fault!”

“she should have never almost threw up laughed so much at him!”

“and then she got off the phone so quick, she probably is going to meet him and almost throw up laugh some more!”

“I hate her.”

So when I do finally call him back after my 30 minute ride home and I think everything is fine and dandy, I am bombarded with this:

“HOW COULD YOU ALMOST THROW UP LAUGH AT A GUY IN THE KITCHEN!!?!?!?! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!?!?!!?”

Fact: Subways ruin relationships. They’re a threat to humanity all together.

3) And finally, New York has superciliously positioned itself around 1600 miles away from Texas.

I know Stephen F. and the Duke had their arguments but I think that they could have gotten over the whole, ‘who took the last piece of bread from the bread basket?’ fight they had so long ago. I mean, I just think it’s petty of the Duke to have moved so far away just because of the garlicy goodness of the roll basket. By being this far away, there is a more likelihood that one of us will get it in their heads to walk cross country to prove our love to one another and show just how more romantic one of us is than the other.  But with our horrible direction abilities one would undoubtedly end up in the wild country with a bunch of rednecks, a pasture full of in-bred angry buffalo, or, God forbid, Ohio. All the time, the other is also walking cross country to prove their love as well and because I, I mean one of us, have awesome directional skills would show up right at his, I mean the other ones house, and see that he’s not home, proving to me that he really doesn’t love me or he would be waiting for me, knowing I would obviously walk 22 days to see him, and therefore he should be here!!! UUUGGH!

Damn you New York. Damn. You.