Umbrella Chicken

There's this game called "Umbrella Chicken" that all respectable New Yorkers play. When it rains, or even drizzles, outside we all take out our umbrellas and we begin this time honored tradition that presidents, kings and simple peasants have enjoyed for hundreds on years.

There are two divisions: large and small. The smaller ones are secluded into their own category but the large division plays in both. You have to play in both. You have no choice.  

The goal of the game is to make it from one point of New York to other without being destroyed or knocked over by the elements as well as other umbrellas. It never goes as smoothly as the movies make it out to be.

That looks like a walk in the park compared to war zone of precipitating NYC.

Here are the basic rules to "Umbrella Chicken"

1. Bigger umbrellas always have to go above little umbrellas, no matter what the case. You may feel this is unfair but the little umbrellas simply won't reach high enough to clear the larger ones. If you are in a particularly bad mood, due to a lost battle of U.C. beforehand or your girlfriend just dumped you, you may not move your big umbrella and in that sense you become a dick. And, beware, U.C. has a funny way of paying people back for their dick-ness, so heed my warning townsfolk, and raise your umbrellas to the little people with little umbrellas.

2. When approaching an on comer with a small umbrella, they are able to attach it to the top of their head to make it appear smaller and essentially making you look like an ass if you don't move yours out of the way because they have made the gesture to attach it to their heads. Giving you the sign you have lost the battle and to just keep moving.

3. Approaching a big umbrella with a big umbrella is when the magic happens and there are two options on how to proceed:
     A. To see who is going to move over far enough to let the other pass, this is the pussy move and you should strive to not be the movee but the one who makes the other move i.e. the mover. In this sense you have dominated the on comer and are the victor of the round.
     B. One of you may use the small technique and attach the big umbrella to the top of your head and make the on comer lift their umbrella high in the air, which in the end soaks them with water. You should never be tempted to try and both lift your umbrellas in the air. This will cause a mid-air collision and not only you will suffer the consequences so will the surrounding spectators, and no one needs that blood on their hands.

4. Undoubtedly, you will have the Bumpers in the crowd, these are the people that don't know how to play the sport therefore take no notice. These people will "accidentally" bump your umbrella with theirs. These. People. Are. Bitches. The best way to deal with them is to stop them in their soggy wet tracks, take their umbrella, break it in two, throw it in front of the next cab (a cab is not necessary, any car will do), and destroy it. They have to be taught, it's the only way they will learn.

5. You have to take the win where you can get it. Don't try to be the bigger man in this sport, there is no bigger man, there is wet and dry. If you're wet, you lose. If you're dry, you win. Simple science fact.

I hope this has helped you all to see the dangers of this game but also the fun that can be had if played correctly. Remember, always go for the kill. There's really no other point to the game than that. Have fun kids and at all costs, stay dry!