The Sickness

Today was the first day that I was sick in NYC. I arrived back from Texas where I spent last weekend and bam! I have been waiting for this day for the past two and half months. Everyone, I mean everyone, told me that I was for sure going to get sick when I first moved up here, like there was some sort of newcomers plague and only if you survived it would you be allowed to stay. Well it never happened. I thought I had dodged by or hidden myself well enough amongst the good-looking people that the plague just took me for a seasoned veteran. But this is what I have been waiting for, this horror called The Sickness.

I have decided through my genius-doctorial skills that I have some swelling and infection in my lymph nodes and this is causing my jaw/neck/all around face to be in great pain. Also, there is likelihood that I have a sinus infection in the sinus area of my face. As I left all my old antibiotics at home in Texas when I moved, I have no back up prescriptions. I also am determined not to go to the doctor since I know what is wrong with me and have a great belief in the power of willing my body to get better. Plus, it’s really expensive.

So here I sit, with my Sickness. This morning was the first time I had gone out in NYC with it. This is my exact recount of this morning:

Leaving the house: “what a nice day, just right for a fall jacket and scarf. I actually feel a little better in the fresh air.

Getting on the subway: “Yes! I made it through the doors just in time! I wish I could sit down. It’s kinda hot in here.”

At a stop as a lady gets off: “I want to sit ther----ugh! I was gonna sit there!”

Still on the subway: “fuck it’s hot. I am taking off my jacket.”

Still still on the subway: “I might die from heat. Why did I wear clothes? I have a fever. My face hurts and I am going to die on the subway. I want to sit down.”

1 stop away a seat opens up: “well, now I can’t sit down, because then I’m the bitch that sits down for only one stop. Please hurry train, I will push you with my mind so you will go faster. GGRRUHHH!”

Off the subway and on the escalator: “I am literally exhausted from that ride. I will walk this slow to the escalator. I will get on the standing side and will not appreciate it. I will wait till the last step before I get off the escalator so as to not exert any energy. I am sick and you can not get mad at me.”

Outside going to my office: “this sun is too bright. Where are my sunglasses? WHERE ARE MY SUNGLASSES!?!?!? I know I put them here before I left Texas. WHERE ARE THEY?!?!?”

Crossing the street: “I WILL make this face at every taxi/person/building/litter I meet on the street. I hate the world. I am angry. And this is how I express my anger.”

In the building: “Don’t look at me, don’t look at me. Don’t. Look. At. Me.”

Finally in the office: “cough cough cough, sneeze, sneeze sneeze. Uggghhhhhhhhhmmmggjjllloo. I hate my life.”

Then I wrote this blog over the next 9 hours. Because I kept getting distracted by my eyes watery/nose running/sleepy time broth eating/nasty Theraflu taking/necessary bathroom breaking/ and The Office on megavideo watching.

All very essential to my day of sickness.

Umbrella Chicken

There's this game called "Umbrella Chicken" that all respectable New Yorkers play. When it rains, or even drizzles, outside we all take out our umbrellas and we begin this time honored tradition that presidents, kings and simple peasants have enjoyed for hundreds on years.

There are two divisions: large and small. The smaller ones are secluded into their own category but the large division plays in both. You have to play in both. You have no choice.  

The goal of the game is to make it from one point of New York to other without being destroyed or knocked over by the elements as well as other umbrellas. It never goes as smoothly as the movies make it out to be.

That looks like a walk in the park compared to war zone of precipitating NYC.

Here are the basic rules to "Umbrella Chicken"

1. Bigger umbrellas always have to go above little umbrellas, no matter what the case. You may feel this is unfair but the little umbrellas simply won't reach high enough to clear the larger ones. If you are in a particularly bad mood, due to a lost battle of U.C. beforehand or your girlfriend just dumped you, you may not move your big umbrella and in that sense you become a dick. And, beware, U.C. has a funny way of paying people back for their dick-ness, so heed my warning townsfolk, and raise your umbrellas to the little people with little umbrellas.

2. When approaching an on comer with a small umbrella, they are able to attach it to the top of their head to make it appear smaller and essentially making you look like an ass if you don't move yours out of the way because they have made the gesture to attach it to their heads. Giving you the sign you have lost the battle and to just keep moving.

3. Approaching a big umbrella with a big umbrella is when the magic happens and there are two options on how to proceed:
     A. To see who is going to move over far enough to let the other pass, this is the pussy move and you should strive to not be the movee but the one who makes the other move i.e. the mover. In this sense you have dominated the on comer and are the victor of the round.
     B. One of you may use the small technique and attach the big umbrella to the top of your head and make the on comer lift their umbrella high in the air, which in the end soaks them with water. You should never be tempted to try and both lift your umbrellas in the air. This will cause a mid-air collision and not only you will suffer the consequences so will the surrounding spectators, and no one needs that blood on their hands.

4. Undoubtedly, you will have the Bumpers in the crowd, these are the people that don't know how to play the sport therefore take no notice. These people will "accidentally" bump your umbrella with theirs. These. People. Are. Bitches. The best way to deal with them is to stop them in their soggy wet tracks, take their umbrella, break it in two, throw it in front of the next cab (a cab is not necessary, any car will do), and destroy it. They have to be taught, it's the only way they will learn.

5. You have to take the win where you can get it. Don't try to be the bigger man in this sport, there is no bigger man, there is wet and dry. If you're wet, you lose. If you're dry, you win. Simple science fact.

I hope this has helped you all to see the dangers of this game but also the fun that can be had if played correctly. Remember, always go for the kill. There's really no other point to the game than that. Have fun kids and at all costs, stay dry!